littletalks.

Sometimes when I’m having a hard time with grief, I write. This one is a recent one.

when i was 19 i looked in the mirror at your house, unsure of my outfit. i asked if i looked okay and you said “beautiful as always”. when i was 20, i got off work, exhausted after 12 hours and drove two and a half hours to be with you. when i got there, i was greeted with a kiss and a “you stink” with a giggle. then you started the shower for me and went to find a movie for us to watch. when i was 20, i looked in the mirror and said “i don’t know why I’m gaining weight so fast” and you said “I’m gaining too, let’s work on it together” with a smile and told me you loved me. when i was 21, we received the devastating news. when i was 21, i looked in the mirror of a hospital bathroom as i saw your hair being shaved off. when i was 21 i gained a thousand yard stare as i watched machines breathe for you. when i was 21, i watched you regain strength. when i was 21, we got tattoos with your ribbon.

when i was 21, we noticed regression. when i was 22, i heard you say the chilling words “a few months”. when i was 22, i begged and begged you not to leave me. when i was 22, i stood by your side as you slowed and slipped into eternal rest. when i was 22, i watched you take your last breath. when i was 22, i kissed your lips for the very last time.

I’m 23 now. i look in the mirror, i hear your words in my mind. i look at my eyes, the spark faded. i look at my face, aged from grief. i look at my body, and the emotional weight that was put on. I’m 23 and i watch our friends get engaged, get invited to their baby showers and college graduations. I’m 23 and i go to bed at 8pm on a friday i’m 23 and i can’t do college algebra, but i can read a brain scan. I’m 23 and i celebrate our anniversary alone. I’m 23 and i cry at every wedding i attend. i’m 23 and explain to people in detail what happened. i’m 23 and i cry in my car when certain songs come on. our songs. I’m 23 and i beg God to wake me up from this nightmare. 

I’m 23 and it feels like most of my soul has disintegrated into dust.

I’m just 23

just 23

and people look at me and say, “you’re young, you still have time.”

but you’ll always be 23. 

just 23