littletalks.

I know the title is questionable, but I swear it has an important meaning.

Life is so painfully unfair. But one thing that I’ve learned through this horrific experience is that sometimes God delivers you from the fire, other times he makes you fireproof and allows the flames to keep burning.

This time he chose to make all of us that know and love Andrew fireproof. It hurts, to watch someone you’re in love with go from a strong-willed cowboy, to a man confined to a wheelchair and then eventually, watching him slowly transition from our world into Heaven. The part we’re currently sitting in (that I ironically named “the suck”) feels like a blackhole.

Hollywood likes to romanticize terminal illness, but it is far from beautiful. It is a slow burn that engulfs everything in its path. The person that has the illness, the people that love that person, animals, places that person loved, everything. As Andrew’s girlfriend and part-time caretaker, its so hard watching him go from full of life to exhausted and ready to see the gates of Heaven.

As I come back to finish this post, only a month later, I see the difference. Just a few weeks ago, I lost a piece of my soul, while he gained all of his back. Watching someone die is the most traumatic, but also the most beautiful thing. While I watched Andrew take his last breath on Earth, I witnessed him take his first breath in Heaven. And for that, I cannot be more grateful.

As I sit here in my Christmas jammies on the day of the birth of our Lord and Savior, I cannot help but be a little jealous of Andrew. He is spending his first Christmas with Jesus. I’m sure that they are having the greatest of times celebrating(and eating some amazing food!!)

I am grateful that God made me fireproof this season. This is the worst pain that I have had to endure, and I truly believe that I will ever endure, but I am sure that my Jesus has tremendous plans for me and my story. And this is just the beginning.

Merry Christmas, remember what Christmas is for.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18